Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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