you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
