I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
