I cannot find my penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
