he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize