i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
