Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
