We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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