My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
