I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
