eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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