After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
