I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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