Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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