you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
