Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
