I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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