made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
