Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
