I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
