What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
