Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
