Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
