it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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