I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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