We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize