I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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