you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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