Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
