I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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