Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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