well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
