I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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