i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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