also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
