It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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