I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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