Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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