i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
