I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
