i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
