I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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