I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
