his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
