Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh god it's open bar.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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