You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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