Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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