the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
