Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
