you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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