Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
