so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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