So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
