How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
