I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
