The maid of honor just puked.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
