whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
