I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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