I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
