false alarm. still invincible.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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