i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
