we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
